Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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