In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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