when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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