Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
