Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
only if we run a train.
done.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
