I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
