I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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