you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
