I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
