I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
