FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
