Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
