pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
