I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
