I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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