Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
