I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
