She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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