I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
