My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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