Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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