eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
