I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
