When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
