Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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