new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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