he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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