hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
