I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
