I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
