The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
