My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
