I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
