i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
