cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
