I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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