Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
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