i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
