then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
