That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
