The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
