We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
