The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
