I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
