Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
