Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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