The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
