i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
