i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
