4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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