can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
grandma shit on top of the toilet
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
