Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i think i have herpe
just one?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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