The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
